Oooof. Yes. Mistakes that cannot be mended. Especially the kind that you don’t discover until years later. I’m speaking here as a parent of grown children who are now doing the hard work of parenting their own children and 40ish self reflection. It’s hard to hear—the places where I could have been a better parent, the signals I missed, my “toxic positivity.” Sorry is too small a word. And yet, we are in the conversation…little by little mending something I didn’t know was broken. This gives me hope when the impulse to crawl under the covers and entertain the shame gremlins is strong. This bittersweet entanglement of dark and light, this tidal intermittency of closeness and distance is now my great teacher. Moment by moment. Metabolizing the jagged edges of the past. Emma, you have created beauty here. Thank you.
Sandra, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I’m sorry to hear about the mistakes you’re learning from. I can only imagine how painful that must be. On the other hand, I think it’s remarkable that you’re all facing this together and working through it! I sincerely believe that almost all families go through a similar process… and that often, it’s not a case of someone being a ‘bad’ parent, but more that they were a different person to their child and therefore parented in a different way than their child would’ve parented themselves. I’m not sure if that makes sense. Hopefully, you get what I mean!
Either way, I’m rooting for you! And I love your term ‘shame gremlins.’ That’s brilliant!
Mistake-based learning offers potent growth when I out grapple the shame gremlins. In this case, I’m deeply grateful that we are now both adults committed to courageous conversations. We can’t change the past and we can forge a real relationship in the present.
Wow this touched a nerve. When I realise I’ve made a mistake my stomach always instantly drops, free falls even as my brain goes into overdrive trying to work out what I did, how, the consequences, who knows, what they will think. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you are not alone. I hope it works out for the best in the end. Thank you for your honest sharing.
Mistakes happen to everyone. We are not perfect, and it’s important to allow ourselves the space to make mistakes and learn from them. Being gentle with ourselves helps us grow and do better next time. When we face the consequences of our mistakes, we can talk to a friend, meditate, go for a walk, or even cry if we need to. What matters most is that we accept our imperfections, take care of ourselves, and let go so we can move forward. It's hard.. the weight of guilt or regret feels overwhelming. We have to remember we are more than our mistakes, and we deserve to move forward with kindness toward ourselves.
It is hard to stay positive when you make a mistake. But the attitude of just keeping one foot in front of the other is the right one, even though sometimes you want to drown in buckets of ice cream and just keep picking away that scab. Yeah been there. But self hatred doesn’t get you anywhere. Whatever the bad thing was I hope it all turns out to be OK.
Have I ever made a mistake that shook your sense of self?
Which time? Which one? Which day? Which part of the day...?
Were you able to work your way back to self-kindness?
Sometimes.
I love what you said about navigating toxic positivity - a term I now have cause to use so much more than I'd like.
And:
"Because even though I’m used to punishing myself, that self-hatred has never led me anywhere but right back to the rotten start."
Yeah, that. Exactly that.
So fucking much. That.
Most importantly, hang in there. You're already doing so well by not doubling down on the mistake, as you've described. That and staying present by not disassociating are so unrecognized and underrated.
Thank you so much, John. Navigating toxic positivity is hard. It’s a fine line between trying not to obsess over worries and being dismissive of legitimate concerns. As you say, I think staying present is the answer.
Lots of meaning in this post, and quite personal. Thanks for having the courage to share. Gratitude 🙏 ✌️
Thank you so much! ☺️
Oooof. Yes. Mistakes that cannot be mended. Especially the kind that you don’t discover until years later. I’m speaking here as a parent of grown children who are now doing the hard work of parenting their own children and 40ish self reflection. It’s hard to hear—the places where I could have been a better parent, the signals I missed, my “toxic positivity.” Sorry is too small a word. And yet, we are in the conversation…little by little mending something I didn’t know was broken. This gives me hope when the impulse to crawl under the covers and entertain the shame gremlins is strong. This bittersweet entanglement of dark and light, this tidal intermittency of closeness and distance is now my great teacher. Moment by moment. Metabolizing the jagged edges of the past. Emma, you have created beauty here. Thank you.
Sandra, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I’m sorry to hear about the mistakes you’re learning from. I can only imagine how painful that must be. On the other hand, I think it’s remarkable that you’re all facing this together and working through it! I sincerely believe that almost all families go through a similar process… and that often, it’s not a case of someone being a ‘bad’ parent, but more that they were a different person to their child and therefore parented in a different way than their child would’ve parented themselves. I’m not sure if that makes sense. Hopefully, you get what I mean!
Either way, I’m rooting for you! And I love your term ‘shame gremlins.’ That’s brilliant!
Thanks for commenting and reading 🧡
Mistake-based learning offers potent growth when I out grapple the shame gremlins. In this case, I’m deeply grateful that we are now both adults committed to courageous conversations. We can’t change the past and we can forge a real relationship in the present.
So true, Sandra! Wishing you the very best with this
Wow this touched a nerve. When I realise I’ve made a mistake my stomach always instantly drops, free falls even as my brain goes into overdrive trying to work out what I did, how, the consequences, who knows, what they will think. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you are not alone. I hope it works out for the best in the end. Thank you for your honest sharing.
Thanks Kate! I really appreciate that. Making a mistake is especially hard for us people pleasers, I think 🤔
Your description echoes mine entirely!
I’m happy to say, I think everything is going to work out ok 🤞🤞🤞 XXX
I’m so pleased 🤞
Me too! 🤣
Mistakes happen to everyone. We are not perfect, and it’s important to allow ourselves the space to make mistakes and learn from them. Being gentle with ourselves helps us grow and do better next time. When we face the consequences of our mistakes, we can talk to a friend, meditate, go for a walk, or even cry if we need to. What matters most is that we accept our imperfections, take care of ourselves, and let go so we can move forward. It's hard.. the weight of guilt or regret feels overwhelming. We have to remember we are more than our mistakes, and we deserve to move forward with kindness toward ourselves.
So true, thank you friend 🧡 it is so hard to let go of our guilt and regret, but it’s the only way to move on from our regrets.
It is hard to stay positive when you make a mistake. But the attitude of just keeping one foot in front of the other is the right one, even though sometimes you want to drown in buckets of ice cream and just keep picking away that scab. Yeah been there. But self hatred doesn’t get you anywhere. Whatever the bad thing was I hope it all turns out to be OK.
Thank you so much friend, I appreciate that. I think it will 🧡
Have I ever made a mistake that shook your sense of self?
Which time? Which one? Which day? Which part of the day...?
Were you able to work your way back to self-kindness?
Sometimes.
I love what you said about navigating toxic positivity - a term I now have cause to use so much more than I'd like.
And:
"Because even though I’m used to punishing myself, that self-hatred has never led me anywhere but right back to the rotten start."
Yeah, that. Exactly that.
So fucking much. That.
Most importantly, hang in there. You're already doing so well by not doubling down on the mistake, as you've described. That and staying present by not disassociating are so unrecognized and underrated.
Thank you so much, John. Navigating toxic positivity is hard. It’s a fine line between trying not to obsess over worries and being dismissive of legitimate concerns. As you say, I think staying present is the answer.
Wisdom overload 💎
Thank you, Ibrahim 🙂