Happy Belated Birthday, my sweet and beautiful friend. This was such an eye opening piece. Such a glimpse into the mind of someone who’s on “the other side” of cancer. Thank you for showing us that triggering moment and sharing the feelings it stirred. As always, your writing makes me think.
For instance, I’m getting married in June for the second time. I was previously married fur 26 years before my then-husband asked for a divorce. After that, I felt so broken for so long, convinced I’d never find love again.
Thankfully, after many tears and much therapy and writing, I did.
And still, even though I’ve moved beyond the trauma of that “breaking,” even though I’m so happy now, I still have moments that shock me. Will I screw this one up? Will my “real” self show and drive this one away, too? It makes me sad to have these flickers of worry and self doubt when my life has stabilized.
I’m always trying to catch my anxiety and name it, and this is a perfect example. I rarely recognize my thoughts as anxiety in the moment. Those doubts feel like so much like truth. But I’m learning.
And so, thank you for the reminder that it’s human and almost expected to slide into what-ifs. I suppose it’s our survival instincts protecting us.
For so long, I used to believe that I could conquer my anxiety. That one day, I’d be PAST it. I’m now of the belief that acknowledging and even welcoming that anxiety with curiosity and language (versus letting it live in my head rent free) is an act of resistance.
I’m so sorry you’ve sat with this anxiety, too. I relate to what you said about often taking thoughts to be the truth. I’ve definitely fallen into that trap. It’s hard not to!
The work you’ve done is not only transformative but also a roadmap for others! Writing has been healing for both of us, and I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t met you and been such a grateful recipient of your support!
For what it’s worth, I think your second marriage is going to be beautiful! I believe this because you’re already so happy and settled 😃
Happy birthday! I loved this article. I would love to interview you for my Substack, as well. The choice to have a future is a huge one in cancer survivorship. Would love to discuss this.
The truth is we all have no guarantees of tmoro, and the jeopardy is what makes every moment precious.
A lot of focus on “ you just be you “ but for me it is the opposite, being selfless, empathetic and just being the best human being I can today that matters.
Keeping my side of the street clean in every aspect.
We are all just an inhale away from a GP’s bad news.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I know when I verbalise my fears it sets the bats of my mind free, allowing space.
Thank you so much, Gordon. You are so kind! And it’s true: we are all only a breath away from bad news. We have to make the most of the lives we have as we never know what will happen tomorrow ✨
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment! It means so much to me 🙏
As always Emma, a considered and personalised insight!
Do birthdays make you think about death? My answer...yikes no! Birthdays give me the opportunity to remind me that I need to get things done. I am fast approaching 50 this year and for this birthday to remember, myself and Louise (better half) are off to Jordan to see Petra. Death will have to wait...I've got stuff to experience 😉.
That sounds amazing, Mark! But I still argue that if birthdays remind you that you need to get things done, then that’s because you’re thinking about the inevitability of death! 🤣
To be clear, I don’t sit about in a stormcloud lamenting my inevitable demise. I do celebrate! There’s also just a little part of me thinking, “Hmm, one birthday closer to death!” hahaha
Happy birthday Emma! I think it's natural to think about life in light of death. It makes each day precious. I definitely think about it when I have a birthday, but I'm also of the belief that every year I do get is a gift, so I'm much less bothered about getting older than I used to be.
Emma - I never liked celebrating my birthday - I think I just felt awkward celebrating myself. But after my son was killed, my birthday did make me think about mortality in the same way that you think about Emily. I try very hard to live in the here and now as much as possible. It's not easy. Sending love, Elizabeth
Elizabeth, thank you so much for your kind comment, and I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I cannot fathom your pain. I just read the piece you wrote about losing Henry. He sounds like a remarkable man. As you said in your writing, grief becomes a sort of background noise. Like you, I am attempting to live in the present, even though it can be hard. Sending you much love, fellow griever 🧡
What a beautiful reframe. As you know, my eldest turns 40 tomorrow. I used to think of how old that makes me now. But I have reframed this too. Now I see it as such a privilege that I get to see him and his brother grow up as adults. I might even get to see how they enjoy middle age, as we have. How amazing is that? Happy birthday, Emma.
I hear you. I'm perhaps in a mixed bag of feelings about birthdays.
I always try to take time for me, away that day...more to mark it differently. Before I was fully into caregiving it was a BIG party/holiday with friends time to make memories with friends who live all over Europe/US. Now, with all the rollercoastering, we make memories in the smaller moments in the everyday-ness, whenever we can and try not to put extra pressure on ourselves over setting high 'expectations'..In our situation, we do less big energy/effort things...
This is also with a context that I've done 18 relocations across 10 countries and lived outside the UK for most of my life, and my parents had done a lot of their 'bucket list' before Dad was hospitalised in 2015. Now we weigh risk:benefit very carefully and after everything we went through caring for Dad we LOVE the special small moments, it doesn't have to be a birthday.
Happy Belated Birthday, my sweet and beautiful friend. This was such an eye opening piece. Such a glimpse into the mind of someone who’s on “the other side” of cancer. Thank you for showing us that triggering moment and sharing the feelings it stirred. As always, your writing makes me think.
For instance, I’m getting married in June for the second time. I was previously married fur 26 years before my then-husband asked for a divorce. After that, I felt so broken for so long, convinced I’d never find love again.
Thankfully, after many tears and much therapy and writing, I did.
And still, even though I’ve moved beyond the trauma of that “breaking,” even though I’m so happy now, I still have moments that shock me. Will I screw this one up? Will my “real” self show and drive this one away, too? It makes me sad to have these flickers of worry and self doubt when my life has stabilized.
I’m always trying to catch my anxiety and name it, and this is a perfect example. I rarely recognize my thoughts as anxiety in the moment. Those doubts feel like so much like truth. But I’m learning.
And so, thank you for the reminder that it’s human and almost expected to slide into what-ifs. I suppose it’s our survival instincts protecting us.
For so long, I used to believe that I could conquer my anxiety. That one day, I’d be PAST it. I’m now of the belief that acknowledging and even welcoming that anxiety with curiosity and language (versus letting it live in my head rent free) is an act of resistance.
Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Thank you so much, my lovely friend 🧡
I’m so sorry you’ve sat with this anxiety, too. I relate to what you said about often taking thoughts to be the truth. I’ve definitely fallen into that trap. It’s hard not to!
The work you’ve done is not only transformative but also a roadmap for others! Writing has been healing for both of us, and I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t met you and been such a grateful recipient of your support!
For what it’s worth, I think your second marriage is going to be beautiful! I believe this because you’re already so happy and settled 😃
I love you lots!!! 🧡✨
Happy birthday! I loved this article. I would love to interview you for my Substack, as well. The choice to have a future is a huge one in cancer survivorship. Would love to discuss this.
Thank you so much, Kristina! You are so kind to read and comment.
And I’d love to be on your podcast! What a pleasure to be asked. I’ll DM you! 🙏
Happy birthday Emma ✨
The truth is we all have no guarantees of tmoro, and the jeopardy is what makes every moment precious.
A lot of focus on “ you just be you “ but for me it is the opposite, being selfless, empathetic and just being the best human being I can today that matters.
Keeping my side of the street clean in every aspect.
We are all just an inhale away from a GP’s bad news.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I know when I verbalise my fears it sets the bats of my mind free, allowing space.
At this very moment we are alive 🙏
Love will win ✨
Thank you so much, Gordon. You are so kind! And it’s true: we are all only a breath away from bad news. We have to make the most of the lives we have as we never know what will happen tomorrow ✨
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment! It means so much to me 🙏
As always Emma, a considered and personalised insight!
Do birthdays make you think about death? My answer...yikes no! Birthdays give me the opportunity to remind me that I need to get things done. I am fast approaching 50 this year and for this birthday to remember, myself and Louise (better half) are off to Jordan to see Petra. Death will have to wait...I've got stuff to experience 😉.
That sounds amazing, Mark! But I still argue that if birthdays remind you that you need to get things done, then that’s because you’re thinking about the inevitability of death! 🤣
To be clear, I don’t sit about in a stormcloud lamenting my inevitable demise. I do celebrate! There’s also just a little part of me thinking, “Hmm, one birthday closer to death!” hahaha
Happy birthday Emma! I think it's natural to think about life in light of death. It makes each day precious. I definitely think about it when I have a birthday, but I'm also of the belief that every year I do get is a gift, so I'm much less bothered about getting older than I used to be.
Yes, that’s exactly how I feel! Thank you for weighing in and making me feel less alone 🙂
Absolutely!
Emma - I never liked celebrating my birthday - I think I just felt awkward celebrating myself. But after my son was killed, my birthday did make me think about mortality in the same way that you think about Emily. I try very hard to live in the here and now as much as possible. It's not easy. Sending love, Elizabeth
Elizabeth, thank you so much for your kind comment, and I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I cannot fathom your pain. I just read the piece you wrote about losing Henry. He sounds like a remarkable man. As you said in your writing, grief becomes a sort of background noise. Like you, I am attempting to live in the present, even though it can be hard. Sending you much love, fellow griever 🧡
What a beautiful reframe. As you know, my eldest turns 40 tomorrow. I used to think of how old that makes me now. But I have reframed this too. Now I see it as such a privilege that I get to see him and his brother grow up as adults. I might even get to see how they enjoy middle age, as we have. How amazing is that? Happy birthday, Emma.
It’s so amazing! And how wonderful that you get to spend his birthday all together 🙂
Happy belated Birthday, Emma! Gorgeous photos!
I hear you. I'm perhaps in a mixed bag of feelings about birthdays.
I always try to take time for me, away that day...more to mark it differently. Before I was fully into caregiving it was a BIG party/holiday with friends time to make memories with friends who live all over Europe/US. Now, with all the rollercoastering, we make memories in the smaller moments in the everyday-ness, whenever we can and try not to put extra pressure on ourselves over setting high 'expectations'..In our situation, we do less big energy/effort things...
This is also with a context that I've done 18 relocations across 10 countries and lived outside the UK for most of my life, and my parents had done a lot of their 'bucket list' before Dad was hospitalised in 2015. Now we weigh risk:benefit very carefully and after everything we went through caring for Dad we LOVE the special small moments, it doesn't have to be a birthday.
Thank you so much, Victoria! And you’re so right… we need to find the little moments of celebration every day, and not just on our Birthdays!