I’m not sure if it’s possible to fall in love with someone over Substack, but finding you seems close enough! What a gorgeous, brave, determined and bloody beautiful soul you seem. And an incredible writer too! It’s such a radical act of courage and kindness when someone who has experienced such pain is so willing to open up. So glad our paths have crossed and so looking forward to coming along for the ride 🩷
Kathy, the feeling is entirely mutal, thank you! You've no idea how much your comment means to me. I've had a pig of a week, so reading your words this morning truly uplifted me! I love your writing too, and I'm so excited for out mutual substack journeys! I've been telling my husband all about you, your Grandma, Bert and our love of Heathfield charity shops! XX
I speak from experience: Emma Vivian is a beautiful human being on every level possible. Her writing is a gift to this world. ❤️ And, because she admires YOUR writing, I’m now going to subscribe to your Substack. Can’t wait to read your work!
You ask some serious questions in your post. Thank you, they reflect my family’s bout with cancer. I think your writings add value. No, you’re no hack. You’re a person brave enough to map what most are afraid to admit to. I recognise some of my struggles in yours. Thank you for your candour. It helps.
Carlos, thank you again for your kind words. They truly made my day. I’m so sorry to hear that your family has also been touched by cancer, though in this day and age, I suppose we all have. Cancer is a terrible disease, but I am grateful, at least, for my new perspective on life. I’m wishing you strength as you continue to navigate your struggles.
I just stumbled across this and wanted to comment - firstly, wow, what an experience to go through. I can't even begin to imagine what that's been like. And I appreciated the perspective shared about confidence - I'd dont think I’ve ever thought that people might have self-belief because they HAD to, in the way you describe with your in-laws. I know that's only a minor point in your whole piece, but it stuck it out to me and I know it's always nice when people appreciate words you've shared 🙏
Thank you so much, Lucy! I’m so glad this resonated with you. I also found myself very surprised by that conversation with my in-laws. I guess I’ve always thought people had self-belief by design, but maybe not! The conversation has given me permission to be brave even though I’m anxious :)
Powerful! I can’t imagine surviving cancer only to lose my best friend to the same disease 😭 so much loss in such a short period of time. How are you doing? I lost my mind for about 5 years after. It took a long time to feel okay again. I’m so glad you’re blogging! It truly does force you to find an inner strength which changes the way you view risk and fear. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and for subscribing; it really means a lot to me :)
It was hugely traumatic to lose my best friend to the same disease. I found myself struggling with seemingly incongruent issues. For one, her death made me terribly afraid of my own chances of metastasis, and I suffered from multiple panic attacks a day. On the opposite side, I felt very guilty for surviving, believing that my friend should've been the one to survive. Though, of course, life doesn't work that way!
I'm happy to say that I'm doing really well now. I still have my off days, of course, but I've worked hard to process my guilt and PTSD. Writing has been a huge help! I just finished all my cancer treatment last month (after five years!!), and that was exciting but also a little scary, as I'm sure you'll relate to.
What type of cancer did you have? I looked on your page but couldn't find a post about it :)
you just finished last month? That’s wild. What kind of treatment? I had breast cancer. I have the BRCA2 mutation. So I had my ovaries out as well b/c of increased cancer risk. I did 6 months chemo, then surgery. But this was 15 years ago this year! it took a long, long time to trust my body again. for years i’d wake up each night panicked I was going to die. everything thinks like oh, you’re done treatment, back to life! and it’s like no, everything has been destroyed.
Yeah, I had quite an extended treatment plan as I had a very aggressive triple-positive breast cancer. I did six rounds of chemo, bilateral mastectomy, another 14 rounds of lighter chemo, a year of immunotherapy and then also five years of hormone suppression, which is what I just finished up with last month. I also developed osteoporosis as a result of hormone suppression, so I received treatment for that, too! It's been a Hell of a five years. I didn't have the BRCA mutation, but I do have one aunt who had pre-menopausal breast cancer, so there probably is some genetic link.
A huge congratulations on reaching 15 years! That's a massive deal and so inspiring to me!
Oh my goodness... I had the same problem! I'd wake up at night in cold sweats, panicking about death, even waking up mid-panic attack sometimes. I still sometimes get very panicked at night about dying. As you say, it's so hard to trust your body again (my wonderful oncologist actually said that phrase to me verbatim!) Unfortunately, people tend to assume you're all good once treatment stops. In my experience of organising meetings for young people with breast cancer, I find that that is precisely when people's mental health is the worst. It's like you get chewed up and spat out by cancer and suddenly can think about what the Hell you've just been through!
Thanks again for your comments. I'm so happy to connect with you :)
chewed up and spit out, yes exactly! I have osteoporosis too. what was the immunotherapy? That's fascinating. I've been hearing about it. I did the hormone suppression too, forgot about that. 5 years of aromasin. were you on tamoxifen? They tried to put me on medication for osteoporosis but I refused. just dealing with it through exercise, though admittedly i haven't been able to lift weights bc of adrenal fatigue, but I'm working toward it. congrats on finishing treatment finally! that's a big deal. i think that's when things started really shifting for me, when i didn't have that daily pill as an even greater reminder.
Apologies for my delayed response! I was out of town at a friend's wedding :)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with osteoporosis, too! I tried to manage with diet and exercise, but it was impossible with my other medications, sadly.
I still get confused about what exactly immunotherapy is, but I was on a lot of drugs: Kadcyla, Herceptin, Perjeta and Nerlynx. They were all to target the pesky HER2+ element of my cancer, as that's what made it so aggressive. Also, I was on traditional chemotherapy: Taxotere and Carboplatin.
I wasn't on tamoxifen, I was on anastrozole, and I also had to go to the hospital to get a Lupron shot once a month for five years! So, as you say, very difficult to move on while living with all that as a reminder.
I'm so sorry to hear about your adrenal fatigue. Has that developed as a side effect of your cancer treatment?
Thanks again; I'm so thrilled to be finished and just hoping for my period to come back :)
Wow, that is a lot of drugs! Mine was simple by comparison :) i think treatment (and early menopause) contributed to the adrenal fatigue, but ultimately I was dumb and worked too hard. My nervous system has been through a lot in this life and I didn’t take care of myself as well as I should have. Learning now! Congrats to your friend on getting married. And fingers crossed for your cycle! I’m sure it will. Our bodies have been through so much! But they also heal so beautifully.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to fall in love with someone over Substack, but finding you seems close enough! What a gorgeous, brave, determined and bloody beautiful soul you seem. And an incredible writer too! It’s such a radical act of courage and kindness when someone who has experienced such pain is so willing to open up. So glad our paths have crossed and so looking forward to coming along for the ride 🩷
Kathy, the feeling is entirely mutal, thank you! You've no idea how much your comment means to me. I've had a pig of a week, so reading your words this morning truly uplifted me! I love your writing too, and I'm so excited for out mutual substack journeys! I've been telling my husband all about you, your Grandma, Bert and our love of Heathfield charity shops! XX
I speak from experience: Emma Vivian is a beautiful human being on every level possible. Her writing is a gift to this world. ❤️ And, because she admires YOUR writing, I’m now going to subscribe to your Substack. Can’t wait to read your work!
Aw thanks Christine! SO happy to see these connections being made on Substack. I love and miss you! Xx
You ask some serious questions in your post. Thank you, they reflect my family’s bout with cancer. I think your writings add value. No, you’re no hack. You’re a person brave enough to map what most are afraid to admit to. I recognise some of my struggles in yours. Thank you for your candour. It helps.
Carlos, thank you again for your kind words. They truly made my day. I’m so sorry to hear that your family has also been touched by cancer, though in this day and age, I suppose we all have. Cancer is a terrible disease, but I am grateful, at least, for my new perspective on life. I’m wishing you strength as you continue to navigate your struggles.
Welcome, again, to Substack. I'm glad you're here. And yes, you are brave. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Thank you so much, Nan! Your kind words mean a lot to me :)
I just stumbled across this and wanted to comment - firstly, wow, what an experience to go through. I can't even begin to imagine what that's been like. And I appreciated the perspective shared about confidence - I'd dont think I’ve ever thought that people might have self-belief because they HAD to, in the way you describe with your in-laws. I know that's only a minor point in your whole piece, but it stuck it out to me and I know it's always nice when people appreciate words you've shared 🙏
Thank you so much, Lucy! I’m so glad this resonated with you. I also found myself very surprised by that conversation with my in-laws. I guess I’ve always thought people had self-belief by design, but maybe not! The conversation has given me permission to be brave even though I’m anxious :)
Powerful! I can’t imagine surviving cancer only to lose my best friend to the same disease 😭 so much loss in such a short period of time. How are you doing? I lost my mind for about 5 years after. It took a long time to feel okay again. I’m so glad you’re blogging! It truly does force you to find an inner strength which changes the way you view risk and fear. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and for subscribing; it really means a lot to me :)
It was hugely traumatic to lose my best friend to the same disease. I found myself struggling with seemingly incongruent issues. For one, her death made me terribly afraid of my own chances of metastasis, and I suffered from multiple panic attacks a day. On the opposite side, I felt very guilty for surviving, believing that my friend should've been the one to survive. Though, of course, life doesn't work that way!
I'm happy to say that I'm doing really well now. I still have my off days, of course, but I've worked hard to process my guilt and PTSD. Writing has been a huge help! I just finished all my cancer treatment last month (after five years!!), and that was exciting but also a little scary, as I'm sure you'll relate to.
What type of cancer did you have? I looked on your page but couldn't find a post about it :)
you just finished last month? That’s wild. What kind of treatment? I had breast cancer. I have the BRCA2 mutation. So I had my ovaries out as well b/c of increased cancer risk. I did 6 months chemo, then surgery. But this was 15 years ago this year! it took a long, long time to trust my body again. for years i’d wake up each night panicked I was going to die. everything thinks like oh, you’re done treatment, back to life! and it’s like no, everything has been destroyed.
Yeah, I had quite an extended treatment plan as I had a very aggressive triple-positive breast cancer. I did six rounds of chemo, bilateral mastectomy, another 14 rounds of lighter chemo, a year of immunotherapy and then also five years of hormone suppression, which is what I just finished up with last month. I also developed osteoporosis as a result of hormone suppression, so I received treatment for that, too! It's been a Hell of a five years. I didn't have the BRCA mutation, but I do have one aunt who had pre-menopausal breast cancer, so there probably is some genetic link.
A huge congratulations on reaching 15 years! That's a massive deal and so inspiring to me!
Oh my goodness... I had the same problem! I'd wake up at night in cold sweats, panicking about death, even waking up mid-panic attack sometimes. I still sometimes get very panicked at night about dying. As you say, it's so hard to trust your body again (my wonderful oncologist actually said that phrase to me verbatim!) Unfortunately, people tend to assume you're all good once treatment stops. In my experience of organising meetings for young people with breast cancer, I find that that is precisely when people's mental health is the worst. It's like you get chewed up and spat out by cancer and suddenly can think about what the Hell you've just been through!
Thanks again for your comments. I'm so happy to connect with you :)
chewed up and spit out, yes exactly! I have osteoporosis too. what was the immunotherapy? That's fascinating. I've been hearing about it. I did the hormone suppression too, forgot about that. 5 years of aromasin. were you on tamoxifen? They tried to put me on medication for osteoporosis but I refused. just dealing with it through exercise, though admittedly i haven't been able to lift weights bc of adrenal fatigue, but I'm working toward it. congrats on finishing treatment finally! that's a big deal. i think that's when things started really shifting for me, when i didn't have that daily pill as an even greater reminder.
Hi Suzanne,
Apologies for my delayed response! I was out of town at a friend's wedding :)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with osteoporosis, too! I tried to manage with diet and exercise, but it was impossible with my other medications, sadly.
I still get confused about what exactly immunotherapy is, but I was on a lot of drugs: Kadcyla, Herceptin, Perjeta and Nerlynx. They were all to target the pesky HER2+ element of my cancer, as that's what made it so aggressive. Also, I was on traditional chemotherapy: Taxotere and Carboplatin.
I wasn't on tamoxifen, I was on anastrozole, and I also had to go to the hospital to get a Lupron shot once a month for five years! So, as you say, very difficult to move on while living with all that as a reminder.
I'm so sorry to hear about your adrenal fatigue. Has that developed as a side effect of your cancer treatment?
Thanks again; I'm so thrilled to be finished and just hoping for my period to come back :)
Wow, that is a lot of drugs! Mine was simple by comparison :) i think treatment (and early menopause) contributed to the adrenal fatigue, but ultimately I was dumb and worked too hard. My nervous system has been through a lot in this life and I didn’t take care of myself as well as I should have. Learning now! Congrats to your friend on getting married. And fingers crossed for your cycle! I’m sure it will. Our bodies have been through so much! But they also heal so beautifully.